When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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