my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
