Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
