she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
