He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
