I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Vodka?
Forever.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
