I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
