Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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