bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
