Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
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