There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize