I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
COCAINE IS GR8
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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