Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
the condom got lost in my hair
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
