I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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