so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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