How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Randomize
