The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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