I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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