hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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