nut hugger
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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