Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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