just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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