My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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