just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
