Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I just gargled with NyQuil
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
