Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
