That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
