So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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