if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
