We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize