His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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