i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
