good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
