so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I just want to make out with him forever
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
