Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
