I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Randomize
