I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
