I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
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