worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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