but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
