Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
