i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
