Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
