I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
