My sheets look like a crime scene.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Randomize
