i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
