I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Bang-toberfest begins!!
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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