My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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