my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Randomize