Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
