are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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