I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize