I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
