You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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