He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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