turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Randomize
