You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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