I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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