I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
