My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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