This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize