My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I think I am morally bankrupt
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
