Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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